at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize