Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
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