cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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