Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
