i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
