when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
