this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
