my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
