sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
