She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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