Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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