I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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