I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
