you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
