I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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