if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
