I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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