they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
