My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
