I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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