There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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