nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
