I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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