I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
