Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Barsexuality is the new black.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
