He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
