I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
