fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I am available for nakedness
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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