I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
