stop calling my apartment porn island.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
