I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize