Cold hands, warm shart.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
