i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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