Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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