Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
