we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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