if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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