Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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