Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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