direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
