Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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