My first STD was from a foam party
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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