does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
