Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
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