I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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