so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
