I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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