Too much gin, very little bucket
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
