I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
