hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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