If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
