Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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