Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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