He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
