It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
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