Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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