Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
You may now shotgun with the bride
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
