She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
