just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
