No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
