He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
